Emotional intelligence sounds like a trait that you either have or don’t have, like something some people are lucky enough to be born with while others spend a lifetime chasing it. In all reality, emotional intelligence isn’t that mysterious. It is the ability to feel something and respond appropriately, no matter the circumstances. Emotional intelligence applies to simple situations like sitting in traffic and to how you react in the middle of an argument that seemed to start over nothing.
The term gets tossed around so often, from job interviews to self-help social media postings, that it’s started to lose its meaning. If you remove the buzzword aspect, you’re left with some concrete abilities:
You can learn each of these skills, so you don’t have to worry if you didn’t inherit them. If you feel like you missed a developmental class, you can change your narrative.
Very few people grew up in an environment where emotional intelligence was openly and easily modeled. Maybe your parents handled conflict by giving each other the silent treatment for days at a time. Maybe emotions ran loud and immediate with no room to think before reacting.
Either way, your nervous system started learning those patterns before your brain could fully process what was happening. From there, it kept using them, never asking if they were productive. As an adult, when a coworker raises their voice or a partner creates some distance, your body often responds before you have a chance to think it through. Old training, shaped by all of your past experiences, carries you forward until you choose to break the cycle.
Emotional intelligence isn’t a fixed personality trait. It grows and adjusts with practice. Small, ordinary moments each day offer opportunities to make changes.
Some people find emotional intelligence work more challenging than others. From an emotionally focused therapy perspective, it makes sense. Our earliest relationships teach us about connection. When vulnerability led to disappointment, it may have been easier to minimize emotions than keep exposing yourself to the letdown. If showing emotion resulted in dismissal, turning up the volume may have been a tactic to get someone to finally notice.
Either response could have been necessary at one point, even if it no longer serves you the same way now. Allowing yourself to relate to your own inner world in a new way, maybe for the first time, matters more than pointing blame at your upbringing.
Noticing these patterns doesn’t happen overnight. If you’re looking for support in understanding how your patterns show up in your relationships, we are here to help. Our therapists work with individuals using an attachment-based, emotionally focused approach that meets you where you’re at.
We offer a free consultation to see if our individual therapy is the right fit for your needs. Explore our website for more information and reach out when you’re ready to get started.
