When couples come to therapy, one of the biggest hurdles they’re facing is communication challenges. But what exactly does that mean? Generally, it’s that they are stuck in patterns that promote distance over connection. These patterns go beyond bad habits, indicating a deeper protection mechanism to cope with the fear of getting vulnerable or losing their partner.
If you and your partner are struggling with communication, recognizing common communication mistakes will help you shift your behaviors towards something that will bring the two of you closer together.
Trying to Fix Instead of UnderstandingHaving sensitive conversations is a challenge on its own. When your partner shares difficult information, it’s human nature to want to jump in and “fix” their problems. You offer advice or suggest what you would do differently. While this comes from a well-intentioned place, it often has a counterproductive outcome. What your partner truly needs is a listening ear and to feel understood.
Behind most of our struggles is an emotional need. When you rush to problem-solving mode, you miss a good opportunity to connect with your partner and learn their perspective. The next time your partner opens up, actively listen, reflecting what you’ve heard and asking clarifying questions.
There’s a difference in using “I” statements and throwing around accusatory “you” statements. “You” statements tend to attack your partner, while the “I” statements express how you’re feeling about your experience. When your partner starts to feel criticized, it’s normal that their defensiveness becomes triggered.
Criticism tells your partner that they’re not good enough, which activates their deepest fears about being unlovable. By shifting the focus to your feelings, you create space for them to hear you without feeling attacked.
Conflict is a natural and often healthy part of life. When it starts to feel too overwhelming, many people shut down. Leaving the room or giving your partner the silent treatment may feel safe for you in the moment, but it also makes your partner feel abandoned. Abandonment leads to panic and disconnection.
On some level, this withdrawal tells your partner that you don’t care enough to stay present and work things out. If space is what you need, communicate that clearly and commit to resuming the conversation when you’re in a calmer state.
Many people hold on to past conflicts, never working through them and letting them go. When you’re in the midst of a heated moment, it may be tempting to build your case by referencing old material. Holding your partner in this never-ending loop can leave them feeling hopeless, no matter what they do.
Stay focused on the present moment and the specific issue at hand. If your past keeps resurfacing, it’s a sign you haven’t worked through it and may need to give it more attention.
Depending on how long you’ve been together, you may feel safe assuming you know what your partner is thinking and feeling. There’s a good chance that you’re wrong. Assumptions quickly lead to misunderstandings and unnecessary conflict.
Key mistakes include:
Instead of assuming, approach with curiosity. Give your partner the chance to share what’s on their mind.
These communication patterns often occur automatically, but they’re not set in stone. With awareness, you can learn how to communicate in more effective and productive ways. The result is a stronger and deeper bond with each other.
If you and your partner keep falling into these traps, emotionally focused therapy can help. We specialize in helping couples break free from painful patterns and create a more secure connection. Contact us today to schedule your free consultation.
